What do you do when, now that you’re no longer a child, the truth about your reality comes to light? What do you do when you realise the truth about your existence? What do you do when you realise that the people who birthed you did not expect to have you, neither do they embrace, adore or love you? That is what Amanda was faced with.
As a child growing up, being raised by her maternal grandma, nothing seemed out of the ordinary for Amanda. Seeing her mother once or twice a year during school holidays, and seldom her father – what’s a father again? – was Amanda’s normal. Little did she know the impact it was having in her life as a child, and the greater impact it would have on her as an adult.
The reality kicked in during Amanda’s high school years, after failed attempts of trying to connect and build a closer bond with her mother. The transition from living with grandma in the Eastern Cape to living with mother in the Western Cape from the age of 10 was not smooth. Amanda felt like a stranger in the new environment. It got worse when her mother showed no enthusiasm or interest in Amanda’s academic and sport achievements whenever she would share them with her; no compassion during Amanda’s sick days, even during her monthly excruciating painful experiences. They seldom had conversations, Amanda was always in her room. It all drove Amanda to questioning her mother’s love for her.
‘Who loves me, who embraces me, who accepts me?‘
As a loner, Amanda was intrigued by the attention she was getting from boys who showed interest in her. It may not have been true authentic love but it was something, something she wasn’t getting from her own parents. It was some acceptance, some embrace, whether genuine or not, but it was something. A façade, but it was something. From the first boyfriend at age 13 to the last one at age 28, Amanda’s love life proved to be one that was trying to fill the void of acceptance, love and embrace.
The ordeal with the last boyfriend shut her down physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It pushed her to spend 4 years in solitude, therapy and prayer. She had lost herself, isolated herself from everyone in an attempt to heal. She needed God’s hand alone at that point. Nothing anyone tried to do or say could get to her. She wanted none of it.
The beauty of this time of solitude is that in it, Amanda discovers who truly loves her. She also learns to love and embrace herself as a result. She gets to understand the issue with her parents and through forgiveness is able to let the anger and pain go. She is now free to the idea of authentic romantic love. Whether it’s for her or not for her, she embraces it and is content, because she knows that she is loved, accepted and embraced, and that no one can take that away from her.
0 Comments